Thursday, July 28, 2005

The good and the bad...

Another roller coaster day here. Steve was just not feeling well and since he has a big drive and a big close tomorrow in Tucson, we thought it prudent that he stay home and try to feel better. Good thing...

Mom called while we were at swimming lessons, wondering if I could get in touch with Fr. Jon - Dad was wanting to see him. Fr. Jon is on vacation until the 8th of August, so mom decided to call the hospice chaplain. Why all the rush for clergy? Well, evidently Dad is feeling that the end is close. Great - and I have two kids in the pool and am stuck.

I call Steve - get over there, see what's going on, try to offer some comfort. He does, God love him, and sits with Dad for the better part of 2 hours. They just talk, but during this talk Dad is saying that he's ready to go. He is at peace with his life, and whatever comes, comes... Can I just say that I am SO not ready to NOT have a father anymore? Even more, my kids are too young to not have a grandfather... On one hand, I am ready to let him go - and yet, on the other, this is my Daddy we're talking about - how can I not have my father around anymore?? He's always been my answer guy - the one who KNOWS things, nearly everthing.... If I had a dime for every time I've said "Ask Dad, he'll know..."

The Chaplain arrived around 1:30.

The original plan was for Dad to be Christened with Christopher when he's born. For all the times Dad's family spent in church, his parents never got around to having him Baptized.. He thought it would be cool to do this with his grandson - and we all agreed.

But then the reality came hard - what if our paths don't cross in this life? Realistically, Christopher can be Baptized the day he's born, but at this point, we don't know if Dad will be here - so Mom, Steve and I commandeered the Chaplain - Let's do it today! So today, at about 2pm, my 83 year old father was Christened. I'm sort of ambiguous as to the actual necessity of Baptism as far as getting into heaven, but honestly, I would rather have all bases covered and find out that its not a requirement, than the other way around!

Even though it was not as we had hoped and planned, Christopher was there - even though he did not have a speaking part. He kicked me in the ribs the whole time...

Speaking of Chris - went to see yet another new (to me) OB today - blood pressure is still normal (and that in itself is amazing), I'm starting to have more regular contractions (even if they are only prelabor) and we're moving closer to 2cm dialated. Even with that, the doc feels we're a good week or two away from meeting this kiddo... AND, even better, she does not feel he will be gargantuan baby like I'd feared! Wheeww! That's a relief! Honestly, I know women can make it through delivering babies close to 10 lbs, but if its all the same with you all, I'd rather NOT be one of them!

I feel like I am in a race against time. It is the strangest place to be - I am preparing to bring a life INTO the world, and preparing to watch one leave at the same time. I feel very strongly that these two souls are connected somehow. And I can't help but think that one life will be going out just as another is coming in. Its a very strange place, indeed.


angie s. said...

Oh Sam,

I have tears rolling down my face as I read your post. These two dear souls are indeed connected and will always be. I can't imagine the mix of pain at the decline of your Dad, and the joy of Christopher's impending birth. This is all somehow part of God's plan that may not seem apparent right.

Love you, Angie

Dina said...

I am so sorry, Sam. I don't think that anything anyone says can make it feel better. It is so bittersweet. May your Dad continue to find peace.

and gigantic (((HUGS))) to you, sister.