Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Courage - Part Deux

After reading so many great posts on courage, I have been doing lots more thinking about the topic.  One of the writers, who blogs at Worth Pursuing, talked about the courage it took for her to leave an otherwise unsatisfactory marriage in order to allow real love and support to come to her.  As many other posts have done, this one got me thinking a LOT about me, and what I'm willing to be courageous for.

Some say courage, but others say insanity.  Is it the outcome that separates the two?  Certainly, for WP, many could have called her crazy for leaving a husband who was not abusive, and without question, the easy road could very well have been staying in a relationship void of support, companionship and emotional intimacy.  Staying would have been easy. 

That's sort of where I find myself at this point in my life, and no, I'm not considering leaving my husband, but rather, WE are thinking of leaving HERE, where we live, where we are both employed.  HERE is mediocre.  HERE, and our jobs, barely get us by.  Between high costs for housing, cost of living and some of the lowest teacher salaries in the country, staying HERE seems like a bad idea.

Until I begin thinking of the alternative.  Leaving HERE.  Leaving here means going somewhere else, and WOW, while on one hand, exciting, it is also terrifying.

My kids only know HERE.  While I have never felt rooted or grounded here, they do.  The only home they have ever known is this one, with its drafty windows and leaky roof.  What bothers me immensely about this house, they don't even notice.

Add to that the idea of getting jobs, at our age, somewhere else, and you have a recipe for frozen-in-fear.  I think my husband has it... the fear that, if he were to leave the job he likes, but in all candor pays only slightly better than mine, he would have to start over.  He won't look at it, the idea of getting a new job.  Yet he also realizes that, if we stay, nothing changes.  Nothing gets better. Same poop, different day.

Is it the easy way out to decide to stay?  Or is it simply insane, especially now, to consider moving across the country into the unknown?  If we fall on our faces out there, well, the answer is clear.

Do we, as a family, have the courage to imagine something better?  It is like the old adage:  You cannot discover new oceans until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

It does take courage to imagine a life better than the one you have.  It also takes courage to make it happen.  It is what our founding fathers and the hoards of immigrants who started this country all shared: Courage to believe, courage to hope, courage to act.


Bren said...

Wow, what a hard decision to make. Good luck!

Sarah said...

I am not in your shoes and only know this situation as far as you have described it here. But...what I do know is that your home is where you are. If you move, your kids will adjust. They will be with you. They will still be home.

Change is hard. So hard. On so many. And as you get older it becomes even harder. Because there are so many, many layers. So many details to take care of. And then those kids to worry about on top of it all.

What I ask myself--and I don't know if this will help--is will I look back and regret it down the road? I know sometimes it's hard to answer that now. You don't know what the outcome will be. But in a way, you can just say to yourself, will I be sorry I never took the risk? Because, even though it would suck, you could always move back to where you are if you don't make it when you leave.

I know. It's harder than it sounds. And the job part really sucks. But maybe if you just start searching and something comes your way, you will have a help in making the decision.

Good luck!

Amanda said...

Even daring to entertain it is more than most do. Whatever you do, tiptoeing as you are now will make whatever your "here" is, today, tomorrow and yesterday, stronger.

Anonymous said...

I have just been reading a few of your posts and you are a fabulous writer....I just wanted to let you know that.

I'll be back....reading you often.