Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Stop the ride - I wanna get off!!!

There is a list of stressors out there that psychologists and other such folks use to determine just how close to the edge a person may be, given the number of stressors in her/his life. Among the top 5 are... Death of a loved one, birth of a child, moving, being unemployed, and others I'm too stressed to remember.

At this moment, I am experiencing three of the top five. Personally, I think that's overload. I intend to talk to someone regarding handing me this much, at once...

I've heard it said that God does not give you more than you can handle. I think God's opinion of my ability to handle things may be just a bit overblown. Not that I want to be the one to question His authority or decision making skills, however, He did create the mosquito, so I think many would agree with me that, perhaps, at times, his judgement is clouded.

I think my time with Dad is over. He's still here in body, but what makes him DAD is really mostly gone now. Its not exactly a coma, but he is no longer aware of things. It was time this weekend - he did not know if it was day or night, or how long he'd been sleeping, or who was there to visit when. I did not get to see him yesterday, but went over today - I don't really think he knew I was there. He just lays there, eyes closed, trying to talk but not really having the thought process or the strength. His breathing is sounding labored. I suspect pneumonia is not far off. Of course, if you can believe this, that is the way he wanted to go, so hopefully he gets his wish. There are days like today where I am OK with this, and days like yesterday where I cried my soul out for hours, not being ready to deal with it all.

And while Steve, Mom and I are mouring what is happening to Dad, we are getting ready to celebrate the arrival of Christopher. I've been watching more TLC TV lately, finding "A Baby Story" a good way to spend 30 minutes, getting excited and prepared to bring this little munchkin into our family. The boys just can't wait to meet their little brother, and neither can we. I'm really OVER being pregnant... I'd like to say I am savoring each and every moment, every kick, etc, because I know its my last, but I can't!! I am MORE than ready to send this kid his eviction notice and get the full use of my body back. Not to mention see my feet. I know they are down there somewhere - they keep knocking into things and I think I've re-broken the same toe 3 times now.

I was talking to Mom about all this tonight... it seems unfair to Dad to be joyful and happy about the birth of Christopher, and it seems equally unfair to Chris to be sad all the time and mourning Dad. I suspect, and actually hope and pray, that there will not be another time in my life when I am both so excited and so sad at the same time.

Oh - and throw into that not having a job since May, and knowing I won't be back at work until October - there are my three...


Miss Gulch said...

Continued hugs on all three counts, Sam.

I believe moving is in the top 5. This is not the time to pack it up and come back to the East Coast, unfortunately.

SpunkyAmy said...

Huggs Samantha, This is definately a hard thing for someone to deal with. Just make sure you allow yourself to have joy and grieve as much as you need to.