I'm still here...

I thought for sure I would have had this baby by now... no such luck. He's being stubborn. I guess what goes around comes around, right?? I go back to see the doc today... I am hoping that if I look and sound miserable enough, she will begin talking Induction!

This is my third time going down this road. You would think that I would find it all "old hat" by now, but it still kind of blows my mind that there is an actual human being nestled in that huge expanse of belly. Despite the fact that we've shared such close quarters these past 39+ weeks, I have no idea what he will be like.. will he really be as stubborn as I am, or heaven forbid, his brother Matthew? Who will he look like? I suppose we will learn all this soon enough. OK - not actually soon enough for me, but you get the picture!

The morning after...

First off, I want to extend a generous and warm thank you to all of my friends, in real life and cyber-only, who have sent prayers, positive thoughts and hugs. They are so appreciated, so welcomed and very much needed.

We are all ok... Me, Steve, the boys, and my mom. We spent quite a bit of time over at mom's yesterday afternoon, and there was much laughter, several tears, and a great deal of healing had begun.

You can say that it is nice to be able to prepare for something like this. I've experienced both - long illness as well as shockingly quick death, either by nature or by tragedy, and I will take the longer one because it does give you time to say what you want to, to make ammends if needed, and to get your head around what is happening.

You still can't be fully prepared, though, for how quiet things will be afterwords, or how deeply you will miss the person who is gone. The other downside to illness is watching someone deteriorate before your eyes, and the fear that the only vision you will have of that person for years to come was the whithered body that was left. I still have visions of my poor grandfather, lying motionless in a hospital bed. I wish I could get that image out of my mind, but 15 years later, its still there.

I don't think I will have that, however, with Dad. He was such a vibrant and strong man his whole life and this demise was really rather quick. It was June 9th that he went into the wheelchair. On June 8th, he was walking up the stairs in my house looking at the nursery. 2 months is a very short period of time when you've lived for 83+ years. In my mind's eye, his voice is still strong, his legs still work, and he's just as active as ever.

It was a good life he lived... and, all things considered, it was a good death. I think once he decides to take the boat in from the sea, he will be racing his old Corvette along Don Lattimer, his dear, close friend for many years, who will be trying to best Dad in his Porsche. Hope you're having fun, guys!

My dad is gone...

We had a good visit last night. He was adamant about getting up into his wheelchair and getting into the kitchen. He wanted to see the bills and make sure the pool was filled (if you knew my dad, this makes perfect sense!! In some circles, he might have been called a control freak!!) The boys got to see him up, tell him they loved him and he got to make sure everything was in order.

The only thing he did NOT get to do was see his son. However, knowing their rocky relationship, I think that was by design! Scott's plane gets into Phoenix in about 6 hours. Steve and I joked this morning that Dad would do ANYTHING to not have to see Scott! (as long as I've known my Dad, he and Scott have had a less than good relationship. Scott has made an effort of late, but it is a bit too little, way too late...)

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, kind thoughts and prayers. I'm ok - the tears just come, but I'm at peace with the fact that he's at peace. As I told the boys last night - Their Baba was in there somewhere, but what we see when we look at him is not him - its the cancer. All the wonderful things he is and was were still there, just beyond our (and his) grasp.

My dad was a sailor. I know he's enjoying the waves again, wherever he is....

Charles Allen Haine
October 12, 1921 - August 6th, 2005
A life well lived.


Edited to add the following poem, sent to me by a wonderful cyber-friend, Rox. Thank you Rox!!!

The Last Voyage
Lizzie Clark Hardy
[USMAA Memorial Service May 30, 2000, Coyote Point, San Mateo, CA]

Some time at eve when tide is low,
I shall slip my moorings and sail away.

With no response to the friendly hail
Of kindred craft in the busy bay.
In the silent hush of the twilight pale.
When the night troops down to embrace the day.
And the voices call, and in the waters flow.
Some time at even when the tide is low.
I slip my moorings and sail away.

Through the purple shadows that darkly trail
O'er the ebbing tide of the Unknown Sea.
I shall fare me away, with a dip of a sail
And a ripple of waters to tell the tale
Of a lonely voyager, sailing away
To the Mystic Isles where at anchor lay
The crafts of those who have sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea to the Unseen Shore.

A few who have watched me sail away
Will miss my craft from the busy Bay:
Some friendly barks that were anchored near.
Some loving soul that my heart held dear.
In silent sorrow will drop a tear.
But I shall have peacefully furled my sail
In moorings sheltered from storm and gale
And greeted the friends who sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea to the Unseen Shore.

38 2/7 week update

Saw doc again today - was really hoping to have had this baby by now, but he's being stubborn and staying put. Steve says he comes by it naturally - whatever could he mean by that??????

All the late night contractions are moving me in the right direction - I'm between a 2 and a 3 right now (admitedly closer to a 2) and she thinks about 60% effaced. My BP was slightly elevated - 128/80 rather than 120/80, but still not a cause for concern.

I've been achey and very uncomfortable since my visit to the doc, 3 hours ago... Could I possibly hope this is a good sign??

And, as Murphy would have it, all my care givers and their backups will be away this weekend. Whaddya wanna bet this kid comes at 3am on Saturday??

And, I have the most impossibly insatiable craving for the smell of Vicks Vapo-rub. I swear - this whole pregnancy thing sure makes one feel and act loopey!!

Stop the ride - I wanna get off!!!

There is a list of stressors out there that psychologists and other such folks use to determine just how close to the edge a person may be, given the number of stressors in her/his life. Among the top 5 are... Death of a loved one, birth of a child, moving, being unemployed, and others I'm too stressed to remember.

At this moment, I am experiencing three of the top five. Personally, I think that's overload. I intend to talk to someone regarding handing me this much, at once...

I've heard it said that God does not give you more than you can handle. I think God's opinion of my ability to handle things may be just a bit overblown. Not that I want to be the one to question His authority or decision making skills, however, He did create the mosquito, so I think many would agree with me that, perhaps, at times, his judgement is clouded.

I think my time with Dad is over. He's still here in body, but what makes him DAD is really mostly gone now. Its not exactly a coma, but he is no longer aware of things. It was time this weekend - he did not know if it was day or night, or how long he'd been sleeping, or who was there to visit when. I did not get to see him yesterday, but went over today - I don't really think he knew I was there. He just lays there, eyes closed, trying to talk but not really having the thought process or the strength. His breathing is sounding labored. I suspect pneumonia is not far off. Of course, if you can believe this, that is the way he wanted to go, so hopefully he gets his wish. There are days like today where I am OK with this, and days like yesterday where I cried my soul out for hours, not being ready to deal with it all.

And while Steve, Mom and I are mouring what is happening to Dad, we are getting ready to celebrate the arrival of Christopher. I've been watching more TLC TV lately, finding "A Baby Story" a good way to spend 30 minutes, getting excited and prepared to bring this little munchkin into our family. The boys just can't wait to meet their little brother, and neither can we. I'm really OVER being pregnant... I'd like to say I am savoring each and every moment, every kick, etc, because I know its my last, but I can't!! I am MORE than ready to send this kid his eviction notice and get the full use of my body back. Not to mention see my feet. I know they are down there somewhere - they keep knocking into things and I think I've re-broken the same toe 3 times now.

I was talking to Mom about all this tonight... it seems unfair to Dad to be joyful and happy about the birth of Christopher, and it seems equally unfair to Chris to be sad all the time and mourning Dad. I suspect, and actually hope and pray, that there will not be another time in my life when I am both so excited and so sad at the same time.

Oh - and throw into that not having a job since May, and knowing I won't be back at work until October - there are my three...